Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Showing Gratitude.

I can't even count on one hand how many times people tell me how I should be 'grateful' that my parents adopted my son.

Grateful? Really? I don't owe my parents one single act of gratitude. It was their decision to adopt my son. THEY got the better end of the deal, MY son. If anything, they should be grateful to me. But do I ask? No. All I ask for is for them to take care of my son and show him the love I would each and every single day. That is enough for me.

Or, you should be grateful you get to be a part of your son's life.

I can't even tell you how many times I've been told this. It sounds so unnatural to me. I should be grateful to be a part of MY OWN son's life?

Now- why would you tell somebody that? Somebody who is obviously suffering a loss. A loss that she has to be reminded of everytime she speaks with her family, everytime she goes home, everytime her son calls out for his mama but is looking at someone else, everytime she is told what she's missed... and everytime she leaves she is reminded of the feeling of the very day she left the hosptial empty handed.

Do NOT tell me I should be grateful to be a part of my sons life, because I deserve to be a part of his life. Not only do I deserve to be a part of his life, but I have every god given right to be, and I should be.

"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE.

I couldn't have said it better myself, but I will no longer be told to be grateful. I can say that I will never be grateful for losing my chance to mother my own child when the loss was completely unnecessary.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Visiting Evan...

Was absolutely wonderful! I wish I would have taken pictures! Normally when I come home (It's usually once or twice a month) it takes Evan a while to warm up to me. As soon as I walked in the door he yelled, "Nana!" and ran over to me to give me a hug. He immediately then started trying to play with me. I was so shocked... but it made me feel so good! I wish I would have had more time to visit with him, but I was so busy getting ready for my dad's wedding I was only able to spend an evening with him. I'm planning on going home this coming weekend. Hopefully the weather is nice so I can take Evan and Erin to the pool/park.

I just love my son, and I'm thankful that with placing him up for adoption I am still able to have him in my life. If I would have chose any other family I know I wouldn't have the same opportunities I have now. Even though I hate it... I'm thankful to at least have this much.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Pictures from the Zoo!

There are a TON more pictures of course.. but these are my favorites :). We had a lot of fun! I love my baby sis!

Friday, June 5, 2009

One more week...

Until I start my new job as an operating room assistant! I can't wait! I'm so SICK AND TIRED of working in the registration department. I'm so ready for a change... I've worked in this department for almost two years; I'm definitely ready.

As an operating room assistant I can't tell you a whole lot of what I'll actually be doing, but I'll be working directly with the surgeons and nurses; I'm very excited!

I start June 15th, I'll definitely let you all know how it goes!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Let's Talk About Sex...

In our society today there are so many (and I mean MANY) cases of teen pregnancy's and surprised (I hate saying unwanted) pregnancy's. I remember in school we had a lady come from Planned Parenthood to show us nasty pictures of what STD's can cause, and how important it is to have protected sex... she ALSO preached about abstinence. She even handed out cards for you to personally sign to pledge that you would stay a virgin until you were married; it was even for 'secondary virgins'.

In my oppinon, preaching about abstinence is unrealistic, and for this type of discussion we really need to leave religion out of it. From the time I was little I promised myself I would save myself until I was truly in love... not until I was married. Of course, I always told myself it would be nice but even as a young kid I knew it was unrealistic. My mom never preached about abstinence, but told me the importance of birth control and how sex was the act of love. So I thought to myself I shouldn't experience that act of love until I am in love... so my plan was to do just that...

Well to really open myself up on a subject I have kept a secret for the past six years I think it's time to start talking about it. The summer of '04 (I was 16), I became invovled with an older boy who was more (WAY MORE) experienced than me. The farthest I had even gone with a boy was kissing. He constantly pressured me to have sex with him, or to give him oral sex. I wasn't into it at all, and I hated the feel of being pressured; I even felt pressured by friends. My friends were experimenting with boys, and even having sex. It just wasn't for me, and I kept reminding myself of how special I wanted that moment to be; I wanted to be in love, I wanted candles, soft music, the works! I kept telling this boy that I wasn't ready, and I continuously told him no to all of his 'invites'. Well, I got dumped. I was heart broken... I was dumped because I wouldn't give him wanted he wanted; sex.

After I got over this boy I moved on to another. We went out on a date one night and he had asked if I wanted to go over to his house to watch a movie. I really liked the guy, and I didn't want to get dumped, you know? I first asked if his parents were home because I knew that was a rule with my family, and I knew I would feel uncomfortable if there wasn't any parentals around... He told me yes. So even though it was almost past my curfew I said yes. I knew I would get in trouble with my parents, but I really wanted this guy to like me. So I went over there, and I remember there being no one home; I immediately felt uncomfortable. He then took me to his room which was down in the basement. I remember feeling sick to my stomach as he was taking me down there. Looking back I really wish I would have listened to my gut instinct, but I fought it because I wanted this piece of shit of a guy to like me.

The worst happened, and I was raped; date raped to be exact. Did I press charges? No, I tried but being threatened mutiple times by him and his friends that they would make my life a living hell if I were to go through with it scared the living hell out of me. So I lied and called everything off. The police and detectives called me and called me to help them out to press charges; I had strong evidence that I was raped, but I couldn't go through with it. This man took everything that was important from me. I completely let him control my way of thinking, and the sad part is for the next five years I believed that it was my fault. It was just something I wanted to complete avoid and forget.

My life turned completely around. I jumped onto a wild and crazy rollarcoaster. I started partying heavily, and binge sex-ing (ha, its my name for it, but it means that I had sex.. a lot). I just felt like I was worth nothing, and my self esteem was shot. I seriously had the mentality that the only way to get a guy to like me was to give him sex, but it did nothing but destroy my reputation. I literally couldn't feel anything; I was so completely numb.

So, what about in cases like mine? What about tramatic offenses that happen that causes someone to binge sex?... I still wasn't very well educated on what I was doing. I was constantly getting checked, and using the plan B pill like it was a birth control. It was just driving me nuts.

After abusing sex and alcohol for a year I stopped. I told myself that I would no longer give myself away to anyone unless I was in love. I started noticing that every time I had sex with someone I lost a part of myself. It just made me feel even worse than I already did everytime.

Then it happened; I fell in love (what I thought was love). I gave myself to him, and for the first time I felt something; it didn't feel like abuse, it felt like love. I was so incredibly happy. Now, I took birth control every single day, BUT I wasn't even aware that you had to take it at the same time everyday. We didn't use condoms because I was on birth control; I thought that was enough. Well, I got pregnant; I was 18.

To make an extremely long story short the boyfriend became a complete jerk (including his family) because I wanted to keep and raise my baby. I was so (and still am) incredibly, undoubtably in love with my little boy. He is the best part of me, and he seriously made me want better things for myself. The moment I was told I was pregnant I grew up. I understood what was important in life, and where I needed to be.

During my pregnancy I was pressured to place my son up for adoption when it wasn't an option by my son's father, his family, and my dad. Because I said no, my ex started cheating on me, and verbally abusing the crap out of me. His family cut me off and told me I was no longer welcomed in there home (discluding his father and step mom - they were nice). His family went so far as to send his aunt (his mom's sister) to my house to talk to me about adoption after I repeatidly told them no. They were incredibly disrespectful, and had zero sympathy towards my feelings.

The farther I got along, the more I became scared. I didn't have financial support what so ever. I had no idea how I was going to take care of my child and give him everything he needed with my income. I knew I had to go back to school so that I could support myself and my child. I knew that if I were to work AND go to school that I would never be able to see my baby. My mom and step-dad were willing to help out with picking him up from day care and watching him until I either got out of work/school. I did NOT want my child having to go from here to here, from here to there. I knew the importance of having a steady routine and consistency... Two things I knew I wouldn't be able to provide my child with a work and school schedule. His father was going completely downhill, and it scared the living crap out of me to think of him being alone with our son. I don't want to go into details, but I felt a strong need to protect my son from him. I hate admitting that, because I do not want Evan to think poorly of his biological father. I do NOT want people to think he is a bad person because he isn't... he just makes poor choices and lives a poor life style.

You have to understand... my son is the most important thing in my life. I would do absolutely anything for him... even place him up for adoption when deep down in my heart it wasn't what I wanted, but I knew it was what was best for him. I decided when I was eight months pregnant to place him up for adoption. There was no way I would be able to place him with a couple I didn't know, so I asked my mom and step-dad. I got lucky and they said yes.

I had no idea about the affects of what placing my son up for adoption would have on me, or my son in the long run. After joining support groups for birth mothers, adoptees, and adoptive mothers I have learned an enormous amount of information I wish I would have known before I made my decision.

I suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome that caused severe depression, suicidal ideation, horrific nightmares that were always about me losing my son in some way, mood swings, anger, etc. I wasn't prepared for any of this, and I didn't know how to handle it. At one point I was getting two to three hours of sleep a night because of my nightmares. I thought I was going crazy... I wasn't myself at all. I remember even getting called in to talk to my boss about what was going on with me. I just broke down and told her everything. I lied about putting my son up for adoption for a year because I was terrified of how people would react, and it was a nice fantasy to have. I loved being able to talk about him, but the only way I felt I could was to lie. It was the most difficult time in my entire life.

Also, doption has caused a pretty big strain on my relationship with my parents, we do get along fairly well, but when it comes to my issues with Evan or the adoption it does cause tension; at least on my end. We have come such a long way in the past two years, and we are becoming more open about issues that surface, but it still is very challenging. Evan will know he's adopted, and that I'm his birth mother, but how he handles it is up to him. I believe he will handle it very well if I'm ok. I do not want him to take on guilt for me being bent out of shape over placing him up for adoption. I've been working really hard in therapy to get past my decision and how the adoption affects me. It's tough, but I want to be in a 'good place' for when the time comes when he needs me. I want to be 100% healthy. I know this is something that will be with me for the rest of my life, I can't get rid of that. I know I will have times where I'll have a hard time, but I want to be in a place where I can handle it better. I just have to do this for him.

I firmly believe that if we're going to teaching sex ed, we need to be teaching them about how big of an impact (negative) that both adoption and abortion can have on a person; including the child. As much as adoption has been so incredibly wonderful for families who cannot conceive, people also need to be aware of the traumatic affects it can have on the birth family. I'm not saying people shouldn't chose adoption, but they need to be educated and prepared for placing their child up for adoption. I speak with my son's biological father occasionally, and even though he wanted to place him up for adoption it is something he regrets tremendously. I sometimes believe he has taken the whole situation a lot harder than me, but we both agree that this is what is best for our son.


If only we could change the world, huh?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I don't know what it is...

But I've been so exhausted lately. Both Saturday and Sunday I slept in until 1pm, and Monday and Tuesday I had to force myself out of bed. It's so hard, and all day I feel so exhausted. I'm even going to bed early! It's really starting to bother me, especially when I can't get simple things done because I'm so exhausted.

Any suggestions?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Baby Sister Time!

Last Tuesday and Wednesday I was able to spend some quality time with my youngest sister Erin! We had a blast! The first day my friend Jason and I took her out to Sandy Point out by Lucky Peak. The water was FREEZING, but it didn't seem to bother Jason or Erin too much. I repeatedly heard what a wimp I was, but I did my best! I enjoyed laying out while Erin went all over the 'beach' picking up bird feathers from the geese. I couldn't believe how many flocks of baby geese we saw. There must have been at least three of them. It was pretty cool, they were adorable!

That night we watched a movie with my roommate Stacey, who Erin absolutely adored. I can't think of what the movie was called, but it was with Hailey Joel Osmet and it had a lion in it. Haha, it was good though! We then went to bed at around 10:30p, way past her bed time!

Wednesday we got up and got ready to go to the zoo! We had a blast! We saw a lot of cute animals, but after seeing one side of the zoo we were ready to go! I then took her to my roommates old apartment pool. As soon as we arrived Erin said, "This pool doesn't look like fun!" Well it turned out that she had a blast playing with the other kids, while I laid out and relaxed. She's such a good kid. We then went home and had some girl time. We wore face mask while painting our nails! We then were so exhausted we went to bed. We both couldn't sleep and had the biggest sweet tooth! So we went to the gas station and we both got some treats. At around 11pm we finally went to bed…

Our time then came to an end. We woke up at a quarter till 7am and we drove back down to Fruitland where I dropped her off at home. I was able to see Evan for a little bit, but he ended up having a mini breakdown when he thought he was going with his dad to work, but ended up having to stay home. It broke my heart to see him so disappointed. I wish I could have taken him home with me, but I always wish that so that's nothing new!

I can't wait until I have some time off so I can go home and spend some time with the kids. I sure miss them both, especially my little boy. He's going to be two the end of this month, which is always a hard time of the year for me. Hopefully I'll be able to take the day off so I can spend it with him on his birthday.

Well that's all for now! I'll post some pictures later of our zoo trip!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

A New Beginning

Well.. I decided to start a blog so that my family and friends can keep track of what I'm up to; plus I love to blog :). Here I can rant and rant, oppose to using Facebook. I rather just have that to keep in touch with people... here you'll get to see my most inner thoughts- maybe if you're lucky.

Well I made it to summer after finishing my first year of college! I absolutely loved it and am surprised at how well I did. All A's and B's! This past year has been extremely stressful with breaking up with my boyfriend of two years. Break ups are so extremely hard, and can mentally drain you. We still keep in touch and are trying to work on a friendship; we'll see how that goes. At the same time I started some pretty intense therapy (sheepishly). I have worked on my childhood, some traumatizing stuff that happened in high school, my parents divorce, and placing my son up for adoption. Talk about mentally draining! I'm just happy I survived through all of it... barely; but I wake up every morning breathing, so I know I'll be ok.

I have been so lucky to have amazing support from amazing women I have come to meet in the past two years from an online support group for birth mothers. Not only have they been my support for my struggles with placing my son up for adoption, but have been there for everything else. I love these women! I also had support from my three best friends; Krystle, Jenna, and Andrea. I'm so lucky to be able to call these three girls my besties! I have known Krystle since kindergarten; we met on the school bus. I don't know if I asked or if she did, but it was the question, "Want to be bestfriends?" that started our strong friendship. We've gone from being dancers, to the spice girls, to the love interest of the backstreet boys, to the girls who were picked on, to a cheerleader and b-ball player, then to a future school teacher and doctor; who knows who or what we'll be next?

I've known Jenna since the summer before our freshman year. I was having one of my out of control hyper moments during a summer basketball practice... if I remember correctly I think I freaked Jenna out, but we've been best friends ever since! I remember when we first got our licence we drove around all over Fruitland wasting gas rocking out to Trapt. I absolutely love this girl. She is such an amazing-smart women, a great mother, and a great friend.

Andrea.. oh Andrea.. we met in daycare at the age of 6, we were in Judo together, we worked together in high school, and I always manage to piss her parents off one way or another EVEN when I wasn't the one doing anything BAD (like Andrea). I swear we both have the same lives... something happens to her, it'll later happen to me or vise versa! I love this girl to death! We'll be the two old ladies that live in a mansion with a ton of cats, but our house won't smell like piss or cat food... no worries. And I can't forget about the ladies I work with... Cathy and Sharmelle... Sharmelle knows all the dirt, and Cathy has been like a mother to me; love them! Wow... I so didn't mean to do any shout outs..

I feel like, in a sense, that I have a second chance at life; even though I haven't had a near death experience. I just feel more alive than ever. I don't believe I have ever felt this way. Instead of laying in bed I get up bright and early, go work out, eat healthy, and try my best to hang out with friends. I'm definitely working on smiling more. Surprisingly enough it actually helps my mood, haha. No wallowing in self-pity for me... It's a waste of time.

Since my new change of attitude I have had some pretty amazing opportunities cross my path. I got a new job as an Operating Room Assistant at the hospital I have been working for, for almost three years! I'm so ecstatic! It's exactly where I want to be! THEN, I get an email from the staff that handles all the education stuff at the hospital saying that I have been accepted into the reimburrsment program! I'll be getting 60% of my tution for each semester covered as long as I keep a 3.0 GPA!! I've been on cloud 9 since! Things are definitely starting to look up for me.

Well, that is it for now... I'm going to try my hardest to keep this blog going, but I'm not making any promises :).

Signing off... Anna